Trauma Bonding is when a person experiences a trauma, wound or hurt or series of the same and bonds with it some way.  Another way of saying it is that the person takes it on as part of their identity and repeats the trauma in some way. Trauma Bonding will always result in a relationship that will guarantee that a trauma will occur in the relationship by virtue of the trauma on the inside of one or both parties in the relationship. Trauma bonding can also originate as a behavior that is created after a person experiences a significant or series of significant traumas or wounds in life, especially in their developmental years 0-20 years of age (self-worth and self-image).  However, it does not have to be confined to those years of age.  This person manifests a bond to trauma or people who cause trauma in the following ways:

1.    The Savior Syndrome - When saving someone from their problems is the primary motivator (conscious or subconscious) for getting involved in a personal relationship with them. The most common way that women trauma bond is to get involved in a personal relationship with a man to primarily save, change, help, improve or turn a “bad boy into a good one”.  Subsequently, when that man with the problems does not improve, then the woman savior feels that she is not good enough.  This in turn, lowers her self-worth and self esteem to a deeper level…she was not good enough to change him.  It is common for a person to develop thoughts that they are not good enough, when someone does not make a permanent change for them. Additionally, in case of the woman, she keeps trying to change him by showing how much she is hurt by him.  Then when she sees the problematic man show some sympathy for her tears, she feels false hope that he is changing and continues her quest to rescue and change him for another prolonged period of time. Of she has to be in some level of denial in the mean time, to believe that he will eventually change for “her”.   This kind of Trauma Bonding also prevents you from getting a better spouse or false in the first place because you thought you could change him.  Or because you dared not be attracted to a quality guy you really preferred for fear of rejection. Then you bond/hold on to the false responsibilities of being the one who does not abandon him like all the other women in his past…(the “smarter” women in his past). 
2.    Repeating Traumas - when a person has been traumatized in the form of molestation, abuse, parent’s divorce, absentee father/mother, addictions, anger/rage, etc., they repeat that same behavior in some way and usually act it out on someone else. They usually victimize someone else (like they were victimized) VS just victimizing themselves.  These other victims or allies to the trauma repeat the trauma to the next generation and the “generational curse” continues. Trauma can also come in the form of some seemingly innocent or non important way such as laziness, lying, minimizing potential, etc.  These behaviors, when acted out in front of children, spouses, and others, will create a problem which will turn into a trauma in later years. Especially when modeled in front of children, laziness and bad work ethic will train them to do repeat that behavior.  There is a Scripture in the Bible that poverty will come quickly to a lazy man.  Laziness often hides behind the cloak of excuses which will convince the one with the excuses that they are a victim off all these experiences that are not within their control.  Some of the common excuses that the lazy person uses include:

• do not feel good
• not enough sleep
• sore throat
• * alarm didn’t go off
• * they didn’t like me
• * there are no jobs left
• * the economy
• * over qualified
• * not a good career move to take that job
• * I’ve applied every where
• * I’m not “ready” to get a job
• * it doesn’t pay enough
• * I’m too busy
• * if I work I’ll lose my unemployment

The molested can molest…the liars can lie…the abused can abuse…the abandoned can abandon…the neglected can neglect…lack of affection produces lack of affection and discomfort with closeness and exposure…the degraded can feel degraded and act that way…the unworthy can act unworthy…the not good enough can act not good enough… . All of these types of traumas and wounds will either cause the trauma to repeat itself in the next generation of children or spouses OR will guarantee that the traumatized will never repeat the same trauma.  This type of determination is usually formed because the traumatized person knows how it feels and they have no tolerance level for it at all!

3.   Sabotaging Techniques – When a person creates problems and bonds through them.  It also is manifested when you make up (causing fights to get attention or avoid closeness and inadequacies). It could also involve getting involved in a good relationship and the one with trauma background creates un-necessary traumas, problems and conflicts in order to bond or get close. This is because bonding through traumas and problems are familiar territory and trauma is the bond they relate to.  Unfortunately, this kind of bonding creates so many ongoing problems, that the relationship closeness is sabotaged with the constant problems.

4.    Negative Attention - negative attention is created to deal with the trauma or problems

5.    Common Pain, Problems or Addictions - bonding through common addictions or past traumas (drinking, abuse, drugs, lifestyles, angers, hurts)      

6.       Negative Attractions - When you get attracted to a negative “profile”.  This happens when you get involved in a relationship with a person that once suffered from or still possesses the  same problems as you experienced (example: marry alcoholic because father/mother was alcoholic/abandoned by parent (s) = marry spouse who will abandon)

If you originally developed a relationship out of trauma bonding, you can still correct it now by establishing a productive spiritual purpose for your relationship. Ecclesiastes says “to everything there is a purpose”. Therefore you must know your purpose for the relationship in the present tense. Establish it and fulfill it and conform your priorities in the relationship to that productive spiritual purpose. Then that new or modified purpose will replace the old trauma bond and related behaviors. If you are single, remember that you cannot save and change another person by being personally involved in a relationship with them.  You are not the exception to God’s laws. Jesus Christy is the only Savior.  You can lead people to the Savior but you cannot be the Savior. If you try you will get “crucified” in some way.  It is not necessary for you to repeat what Jesus Christ already accomplished for you on the cross. A spiritual bond in your relationship is the closest bond and the deepest bond.  Pray with your spouse or you fiancé and develop a spiritual foundation and do it now. God will help you.  Be encouraged.
Dr. Mark Jones, LMFT * drmarkjones.org * “Singles” Trinity Program June 25-27